Monthly Archives: February 2013

Every Day Life | Happy Birthday Mommy

Happy birthday to the bestest mommy ever! You have done such an amazing job with the four of us and we owe you for everything we’ve accomplished so far in our lives. None of us say it enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for all the you’ve done and continue to do for us! I hope you have an awesome birthday and a year full of happiness!! We love you mom!

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Every Day Life | My Own Map

I do not need to take care of anyone but myself. I do not need to take care of anyone but myself. I do not need to take care of anyone but myself.

You know how in old movies the kid gets in trouble and the teacher makes him write “I will not interrupt class again” a hundred times? I feel like that’s what I should be doing with the statement above. “I do not need to take care of anyone but myself”.  NEED is the key word in that sentence. I do not NEED to take care of anyone but myself.

Buuuuut, if you know me you know I’d argue that. And I’d put up a damn good fight because taking care of other people is all I’ve ever known. It’s what I’ve been good at, what I’ve been sure of. It was WHO I WAS. WAS is the keyword in this sentence. And trying to change that AM into WAS is not an easy task, let me tell you.

I am a people pleaser (so I’m told : ) and I don’t like to say no. I am always willing to help and very often find myself at a loss of time or energy to complete my own goals because I’m busy helping others complete theirs. For a long time I was ok with that, I was fueled by that and it worked. But, eventually I ran out of things to do for people and I started to get tired. Tired of always running the show for someone else. Tired of chasing their dreams instead of my own. Tired of not having any time I enjoyed.

And so the, “I don’t need to take care of anyone but myself” sentence came about.   That’s not to say I don’t still want to help people. That’s not to say I don’t still actually help people. It just means that I’m picking the people I want to be there for and I’m learning to live my life following my own dreams.

As a friend of mine once said, “You have to write your own map”.

YOU HAVE TO WRITE YOUR OWN MAP.

Those are powerful words and he couldn’t be more right. So today, I made that list I promised to write and I’m focusing on following my own map. But please be patient if I loose my way once or twice. I am after all following a map I’ve never traveled before : )

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Every Day Life | Today

Today I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted and I have a headache. As I sit here and stare at the screen, watching the curser blink, I’m willing my brain to spit out the words I feel in my heart.

With the exhaustion and headache comes a quiet version of myself. Unusually quiet. A version of me that’s stuck in my head, full of either blank spots or crowding noise.

It’s the kind of exhaustion that makes you feel almost weak, pushing you through the day on the basis of your responsibilities. The kind of exhaustion where you just want a hug. A hug so you don’t have to feel so alone against the world on a day that you’re sleep walking through…..so you don’t have to feel so weak because you have someone else’s strength around you.

I would love to climb into bed right now and wake up to start the day again or to wake up tomorrow morning. But I know that we should NEVER wish our days away because there’s a time we won’t have any left.  Wishing a day away erases all that you accomplished that day (even the smallest of things)  and all the people you spent time with, and who wants that? I don’t.

It’s 5:00 and I’m justing writing this post, but I’m writing it. I didn’t push it off or tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow. If nothing else, I accomplished this today and as small as that may seem, it’s something.

So, as the day is coming to an end and night is falling on us in only a matter of hours I will NOT wish my day away..but I might still hope I get that hug : )

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Every Day Life | Half The Battle

I didn’t intend for this blog to become so much about writing. So much about me and my personal struggles. I didn’t intend that these struggles would have so little to do with photography or specifically, my photography. I didn’t intend to share with the Internet how life can really pull us down and bring us back up, all at the same time.

I didn’t intend……but it happened.

And it’s ok that it happened because sharing who I am is half the battle. Being open and communicative is half the battle. Shedding light on the truth is half the battle.

The next few weeks are jam packed with shooting (thank the Lord J will be by my side!), coffee dates, helping one of my best friends plan her wedding and hopefully having some fun : ) So if you see a little more writing on the blog this month, know that the photos are a comin’ so keep on checking back, and if you feel the desire to read and follow along on my journey I am blessed to have you!

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Every Day Life | Half Empty With The Lid Off

Yesterday morning I sat at my friend’s kitchen counter, one foot crossed under me and the other resting on the bottom bar of the stool. In front of me was a cup of coffee, half empty with the lid off.

He sat next to me and asked me again, “What do you want?”

I looked at him and laughed, what I want isn’t realistic.

Suddenly, there was a pad of paper and a pen in front of me on the counter. “Write your list.”

No.

“Why? Does writing it down mean it’s set in stone? How long is life?”

What kind of question is that!?

“Exactly, you don’t know. So you have to do the things you want now, while you can. I think you worry about what other people think but it doesn’t matter what they think. It only matters what you think.”

I didn’t write my list yesterday, but I promised I’d go back and write it this week. I thanked him later in the day with two simple words: thank you. And he knew that I was thanking him with those two words for being the friend to push me, for standing by my side and telling me I can do anything I put my mind too. For calling bullshit on me when he knows I’m just afraid, for letting me sit at his kitchen counter, one foot crossed under me and the other resting on the bottom bar of the stool. In front of me a cup of coffee, half empty with the lid off….

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Every Day Life | The Organized Drawer

Happy Monday, Internet!

I’ve gotten out of my blogging routine and if I’m being honest it’s because I was in a funk.

Back in October my world changed and I haven’t openly talked (written?) about it on the blog. Let’s say you have a neatly organized drawer in the kitchen but people keep reaching in and taking stuff out, they open and close it and throw things back in that weren’t even there in the first place. Then one day you reach for the drawer and instead of the clean, neatly organized drawer you were expecting, everything is out of place. And suddenly you’re world changes.  You’re ladle is missing, your can opener is gone and all you can do is stare at the mess of items in front of you.

For a while I thought I had moved on, gotten over it, forged a new path. For a while, I thought I had a plan, a new direction, a reachable future.

And then this weekend…I fell apart.

Because dang it I wanted the drawer to be neat again so I could find the can opener if I wanted! Because I had taken time to put the drawer in order, in a way I liked. Because I didn’t really know what to do with the mess or how I was going to find the missing pieces.

And so this weekend…I fell apart.

I called one of my best friends and I cried. I sat in the apartment and I cried. I locked myself in the bathroom and I cried.

In the months since my world changed in October I have come to learn a few things about myself.

1. I don’t always do what’s best for ME, but rather what’s best for others.

2. I miss my friends TERRIBLY now that I have more time in my days.

3. I’m not sure that my passions will ever make a career.

4. I’m extremely terrified of losing people I love and will sacrifice my own happiness in order not to.

5. I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be in this world anymore.

In January I attended Justin & Mary’s What’s Next? Tour and Mary said a lot of things that day that touched my heart and soul but one thing that really stuck out was this: We wait on a permission that never comes. We put these dreams of ours on hold because we tell ourselves “who am *I* to want this.” Who am I to ask for more? And yet, I can promise you this. No one is ever going to come knock on your door, pick up the phone and call you, or send you an email saying now, NOW, you get to go chase your dreams. You have to find a way to be that permission for yourself.

And you know what? She’s right. Sometimes chasing those dreams may come with a few tears and nights of wine and chocolate, but chasing those dreams will also bring our greatest accomplishments and most powerful successes.

So today, I am going to slowly put that drawer back in order, I am going to focus on understanding that it’s ok to miss my friends and just because they aren’t physically here right now doesn’t mean they’re leaving. I am going to make a new plan for myself that follows the path I want to take, and I’m going to accept that fact that sometimes life changes and it’s out of our control.

In October I lost a job I loved….but this February I’m on a hunt to find myself : )

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Child Photographer | Happy Heart Day

Yesterday, I took some last minute shots of the kids for their parents as a surprise for HEART DAY!! SHHHHH!!!!!! It was a get-what-I-can kind of shoot! Today, I’m sharing some of the photos that are going to be used as Valentine’s : )

Happy Heart Day!

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