Happy Monday, Internet!
I’ve gotten out of my blogging routine and if I’m being honest it’s because I was in a funk.
Back in October my world changed and I haven’t openly talked (written?) about it on the blog. Let’s say you have a neatly organized drawer in the kitchen but people keep reaching in and taking stuff out, they open and close it and throw things back in that weren’t even there in the first place. Then one day you reach for the drawer and instead of the clean, neatly organized drawer you were expecting, everything is out of place. And suddenly you’re world changes. You’re ladle is missing, your can opener is gone and all you can do is stare at the mess of items in front of you.
For a while I thought I had moved on, gotten over it, forged a new path. For a while, I thought I had a plan, a new direction, a reachable future.
And then this weekend…I fell apart.
Because dang it I wanted the drawer to be neat again so I could find the can opener if I wanted! Because I had taken time to put the drawer in order, in a way I liked. Because I didn’t really know what to do with the mess or how I was going to find the missing pieces.
And so this weekend…I fell apart.
I called one of my best friends and I cried. I sat in the apartment and I cried. I locked myself in the bathroom and I cried.
In the months since my world changed in October I have come to learn a few things about myself.
1. I don’t always do what’s best for ME, but rather what’s best for others.
2. I miss my friends TERRIBLY now that I have more time in my days.
3. I’m not sure that my passions will ever make a career.
4. I’m extremely terrified of losing people I love and will sacrifice my own happiness in order not to.
5. I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be in this world anymore.
In January I attended Justin & Mary’s What’s Next? Tour and Mary said a lot of things that day that touched my heart and soul but one thing that really stuck out was this: We wait on a permission that never comes. We put these dreams of ours on hold because we tell ourselves “who am *I* to want this.” Who am I to ask for more? And yet, I can promise you this. No one is ever going to come knock on your door, pick up the phone and call you, or send you an email saying now, NOW, you get to go chase your dreams. You have to find a way to be that permission for yourself.
And you know what? She’s right. Sometimes chasing those dreams may come with a few tears and nights of wine and chocolate, but chasing those dreams will also bring our greatest accomplishments and most powerful successes.
So today, I am going to slowly put that drawer back in order, I am going to focus on understanding that it’s ok to miss my friends and just because they aren’t physically here right now doesn’t mean they’re leaving. I am going to make a new plan for myself that follows the path I want to take, and I’m going to accept that fact that sometimes life changes and it’s out of our control.
In October I lost a job I loved….but this February I’m on a hunt to find myself : )