Ok. So I found this in my “drafts” folder from a couple weeks ago and I had totally forgotten that I even wrote it. Is that a sign that I should post it? (because I couldn’t come up with anything better right now) Who knows, but then I read it and I thought, that’s pretty close to how I have been feeling this past month and if I can still relate to what I wrote a month ago then maybe this is a good thing to start of the new year trying to conquer. Pushing the publish button on this one is going to be hard, but this is the truth and if anyone is going to try and conquer a fear or a feeling then the truth should be the first thing on their side. I’m taking the jump. Here goes nothing….
A friend said to me tonight “It’s not that they forget Gina, it’s just that life is a series of changes. Friendships have to change with life and some don’t withstand the changes”. When I care it’s with everything I have and that goes for everyone from family, friends, a teacher or a boyfriend. If I care about you it’s with my whole heart, but sometimes there’s a disadvantage to that. Life IS a series of changes and whether we want it to happen or not we’re eventually going to have to adjust because if we don’t adjust it begins to hurt, just like I’m hurting now. I love change. I’m the girl that moves the furniture in her house every month and paints her bedroom walls once a year, but I’m also the girl that hates change. I hate when I lose a friend, when there’s less contact with no warring, when a routine begins to fade. I become unable to breath without swallowing back tears, unable to talk without hearing resentment in my voice and unable to share my feelings with even my closest of friends. A lot of things are changing this year and so are a lot of people. That doesn’t mean that it’s all for the bad. It just means that I have to adjust and all I’ve ever known in life is adjusting. So, I fell into a routine and I thought, maybe for once I won’t have to adjust. I could just be happy for a while, spending time with people I love and care about. But life got in the way. Life always gets in the way, leaving me in the dust, trying to catch up on my own. So every night when I go to bed I think about all of this and I think how can I care so much when they care so little? And why do I hold it all in, instead of talking to them about it? I’m upset that’s why and if I talk about it I’ll fall apart so it’s easier to just be angry. To be annoyed with whoever hurt me until I can’t hold it all in anymore and I explode. But once the anger sets in, it’s hard to get rid of because you’re so scared that they might hurt you again, that they don’t mean all the things they’ve been telling you, that maybe you don’t mean as much to them as they perceived. So one night you end up staring a someone you care about and trying so hard to hold back the tears that you have to bite your lip. And then you crumble, right in their arms. And you begin to think again that maybe you’re being scared is ridiculous because they would never hurt you intentionally. That maybe you’re fighting within yourself to be able to trust people again but you need them to give you a good reason why you should.
Whew! Well, I guess in this new year I will *try* to conquer fear. Fear of love, fear of trust, and fear of pain. I will try to be happy even when I’m not in the hopes that someday I will be. I will try to conquer my goals that are not written on here. I will try to understand better the logic of adjustment. I will try to be a better friend. But most of all I will try to conquer change, I will try to adjust to change and still be happy. I’m *positive* I will need help along the way and I will try not to be afraid to ask for it. So here is to 2011. A new beginning, another chapter in life’s crazy book.